That's a good aaahh, by the way. A happy sigh of euphoria and excitement, with a hint of desperate desire. It's a feeling that happens every now and then after I watch a particularly inspiring film or play.
I saw Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest last night. All the way through it, and ever since, I've felt the charged thrill of having witnessed something not only brilliant, but important too. Brilliant because of the superb writing, directing, cinematography, editing and acting... and important, I'm not sure why. It just has that feeling of "there's something big about this." It means something. It affected me in a huge way.
If someone can teach me how to do neat links to other people's blogs (please!) I want to put some links to some really fascinating people's thoughts on the symbolism and philosphies of the Pirates movies.
My overwhelming feeling is an intense desire to be a part of something like that. Imagine the thrill of bringing a character to life in such a great piece of work... a character that then moves and affects thousands of people in cinemas everywhere, inspires people, makes them cry, laugh, gasp... oooh I crave the opportunity to do that.
Noel and I had a big argument yesterday. I was upset that he wasn't supporting me in wanting to do some unpaid acting work and to pursue as much as I can my dream of acting. He made a comment along the lines of "yeah well everyone wants to be a big famous movie star". It really cut me because it made me question myself and my own motivation. Am I really a true actor, really pursuing this for the sake of the art or am I just after some fame and fortune? Seeing Pirates last night helped me remember and reaffirm that yes, I just love acting. I love film, I love theatre, I love what it does to people and the way it can have such an impact on people.
Of course, let's be honest - I would probably enjoy being a bit famous, and I'd love to meet clever successful people like Johnny Depp. I wrote in my diary last night (when I couldn't get to the computer to blog) that Depp is one of those people I have an "I-wanna-be-your-friend" Crush on. I discovered this phenomenon in high school when I was convinced I was in love with one of the boys in the musical. We hung out at rehearsals but never really had much to do with each other - I craved his attention and company. After a while I realised I wasn't interested romantically, I was fascinated by his brain. He was a very clever musician and mathematician and brilliant at observing and communicating. I admired that and just wanted to be around it - I just wanted to hang out with him and bask in his fascinating personality. The "I-wanna-be-your-friend" Crush feels almost like being in love but it's not, and it can happen with men, women, strangers even. Most of the people I have had it for have been musicians, actors, or both. I guess because artistic brilliance is the type I'm most inspired by.
I'm re-reading this and realising I just can't put into words the way I'm feeling. I'm inspired and excited and I'm longing for success. I sound like a complete dork, but it's because I've suddenly remembered the depth of my passion.